Golden Sun
by one-winged-icarus
Summary: After years and years of being in denial, she'll accept the fact that she is in love with the bastard. And like any sweet teenage girl, which she is really not, she prepared to give a confession. Spain x Fem!Romano


**Title:** Golden Sun

**Author/Artist:** 1wingedicarus/ one_winged_icarus

**Beta Reader: **rosarioimpale of LJ (who is so awesome by the way)

**Character(s) or Pairing(s):** Spain x Fem!Romano, more pairings in later chapters**  
**

**Rating:** T for Now**  
**

**Warnings:** Genderbending, Angst

**Author's Notes: **_Heya, guys! I had been a lurker for a long time but now, my lurking status had been changed to author-who-shouldn't-be-writing-because-she-has-too-many-schoolwork. Is there anyone here who lives in Fili-tan? Are you familiar with the song Gaano Kadalas ang Minsan? Yeah, I got some of the lines from that song. I just love old songs. _

**Summary:** After years and years of being in denial, she'll accept the fact that she is in love with the bastard. And like any sweet teenage girl, which she is really not, she prepared to give a confession.

* * *

**Chapter One**

**How often is sometimes?**

* * *

_She took the key from her purse and opened the door. On the first glance, it was empty but she knew that he is somewhere inside this house. The very thought made her cheeks flushed and her heart pounded loudly on her chest. She was almost afraid that he will suddenly wake up from his siesta. When he saw her… then… _

_Gyaah! _

_ She is still gathering up courage to say those blasted three words. For someone who was in denial for more than a century, it must be a hard job. She wished that it is not necessary right now to confront him. Her mind and heart is still not prepared for that. And if he will see her like this, then, she be able to utter a word. She'll just blush to the roots of her hair. That bastard better be happy; she had to skip her siesta just to do this. And so, she went to the table and pull out something from her bag. She put those things on the table and with a sigh, she turned around and walked to the door. _

_ A ticket and a letter were laid on the table…_

* * *

_**I had always hated him…**_

_**He took me away from my sister... **_

_**(How can I prot**__**ect that stupid girl if I'm far **__**away from her?)**_

* * *

Lovina 'Romana' Vargas is not your average girl. For instance, she has the vocabulary that would make a fisherman's wife blush and sailors look like innocent little boys. The second strange thing about her is that despite looking like she is only in her late teenage years, she is actually centuries old. The reason for all of this…? She is actually the representation of Italy. Well, the southern part of it.

And for the longest time… despite arguing with herself, she is actually in love with _him._

He is a dashing and incredibly handsome young man named Antonio Fernandez Carriedo. Not that Lovina would ever admit it. Antonio is also not your normal young man. He is quite on the dense side, the kind that never really notices it if you are _sexually_ _harassing _him, as tried and enjoyed by a certain French pervert. He also loves anything cute or cuddly, an incredible quality for a man. But the most important part is that… he is the representation of the country of passion, guitars and flamenco. He is the country of Spain.

* * *

_**He made me a servant in his household**_

_**(I'm the grand-daughter of the Greatest Empire in Earth! How dare he?)**_

* * *

When her grandfather died, they were left defenseless. She and her sister were not fighters. They couldn't protect themselves. And like crows circling around a piece of meat, several nations around them started fighting for their land. In the end, it was Austria who won. That piano-bastard had taken them away from their homes and they made Lovina and Feliciana their maids. But due to a strange disease that made her limbs suddenly jerk and move, she proved to be quite useless in doing house chores. With her spoiled, lazy attitude and colorful vocabulary, it was not surprising that Austria had decided that he should just send her away. And so, she was given to that tomato bastard.

* * *

_**But slowly... slowly... I got to know him**_

* * *

She thought that her position wouldn't change in Antonio's house. Sure enough, she was given chores. Clean this, scrub that, mop this, dust that. And again, she proved herself to be difficult. She disobeyed Antonio's orders. She avoided doing her chores. And if Antonio would force her, she would do it poorly with several precious porcelain vases and glass breaking. She thought that it would annoy him. Well, it did.

* * *

_**He was kind to me**_

_**(He never hit me even if I did my chores poorly)**_

* * *

But Antonio was more patient and kinder than any other person in the world. If she broke something, that bastard would just smile and say "It's fine. That can be replaced. Are you hurt?" If she ever used bad language, that tomato bastard would just flick her forehead or pinch her nose while saying, "That's bad Lovi. Cute girls shouldn't swear". She was always smothered by kisses and hugs (which she claims to have hated and still hates). Despite his stupidity, Antonio is the kindest person Lovina had ever met.

* * *

_**He protected me**_

_**(Even if he got hurt in the process)**_

* * *

And despite her inability to do anything good, he still protected her from those like that Turkey bastard who tried to steal her. He fought long and expensive wars so that he could keep a hold of her. He even fought his long-time friend (that French pervert) when he tried to steal her away. Every time, he went to war, especially when it was for her, the feeling of dread washed over her stomach. But at the same time, there was a feeling of happiness inside her heart. Because she was somewhat important to him. Because he wanted to protect her. She was glad for that.

* * *

**_He cared for me_**

**_(He was always there when I got sick, when I got hurt...) _**

* * *

Every time she hurt herself (she tripped on flat surfaces regularly), he would come running. It was not her who would be crying but him.

_Lovi… that looks awful… come one let's treat it so that it will not hurt. Oh~ I'm a bad Boss. I let my precious Lovi get hurt. What should we do…? Oh~ It's bleeding!_

_Stupid, it's only a wound!_

_What if it becomes a scar! Oh no… I don't want to blemish Lovi's pure skin!_

_IDIOT! *blush*_

And when she caught a cold or some kind of virus…

_Ay, what should I do… Lovi is sick! Francia! _

_Calm down, Antoine, it's only a cold. _

_What if she dies? What should I do? _

_You need to prepare her burial if that happens. But that would be a waste; petit Lovina will be a beauty when she grows up and if she dies then she will not experience the wonders of L'amour. Maybe I should show her now… _

_Francia! _

_*Sigh* Fine…_

She found notes of instructions on how to treat a cold and at the bottom of the directions were some things that made her detest and curse the frog to hell back and over.

* * *

_**He always gave me a second-chance **_

_**(Even if I didn't deserve it)**_

* * *

_The vase that she was supposed to be cleaning was on the floor in hundreds of tiny pieces. She bit her lip in frustration. She had tried to do it properly but her arms jerked again and the vase just slipped from her fingers. It couldn't be her fault! The vase must have had a mind of its own… and it jumped because it liked to be dusty! Si… that was right. But it had still been Antonio's favorite vase__because it had been painted with beautiful carnation flowers__._

"_Lovi? What are you doing?" Antonio stared in shock when he spotted his favorite vase in smithereens. _

"_That… that vase just fell down when I tried to clean it! Damn… why does everything slip from my hand?" she said crying. No, she was not crying… the wind was just blowing and it had gotten dust in her eyes. Stupid wind!_

"_Uwaah… that's too bad. That was my favorite vase."_

"_Blame it on the wind... I mean the vase! It just wanted to be destroyed!"_

"_Ahahaha…"_

"_I just…*sniff* I just tried to clean it," she said wiping the tears with her hands. Then she suddenly felt two familiar arms pull her up. She saw twinkling emerald green eyes and a smile that was bright enough to light the world._

"_Its fine, Lovi, just try again next time." _

_She wished that her arms and feet wouldn't jerk or twitch like that again. And Antonio had been an instrument to fulfill that wish. _

"_Why the hell should I dance to your stupid guitar?"_

"_A man said to me that if Lovi dances then she'll no longer be clumsy or trip over her own feet."_

"_I don't trip on my own feet! The floor is just bumpy or slippery!"_

"_But your arms also move in strange directions even when you're asleep."_

"_B-Bastard! That's because there's a spider or an ant that is trying to bite me!"_

"_Eh? But I never see any spiders or ants…"_

"_You're just blind!"_

"_But it would be great if Lovi would recover from her twitchy movements. Then she would no longer stumble and fall so much."_

"_W-What is it with you?"_

_ "I'll no longer worry about cute Lovi. I always worry about her when she is all alone. What would she do if she falls down the stairs again and no one is to bandage or fix her boo-boo? I don't want to see Lovi crying…"_

"_You bastard! I never cry!"_

But she did dance and recover from that illness or whatever it was.

* * *

_**He comforted me**_

_**(In stormy dark nights) **_

* * *

She hated it! She covered her head with blankets as the lighting struck once again accompanied by thunder. She bit her bottom lip to keep herself from screaming. She had always been terrified by the thunder. She hated it with all her guts. The sound that always seems to be coming closer and closer. It reminded her of death as it was in a stormy night when her grandfather, upon returning from his trip with Feliciana, had went out and never appeared again. All she could remember was his strong back and the feeling of terror because she felt that it was the last time and her premonition was right. She closed her eyes and said to herself… _It will go away! It will go away! It will pass! It will not hit me…_

She felt the covers move and saw Antonio looking at her affectionately. All the warmth in his eyes seemed to take away all the coldness that was in her heart.

"No te preocupes todo va a estar bien," he said as he pulled her into a fierce embrace.

She clung to his strong chest, savoring the sound of his heartbeat and his clean male scent. Everything would be alright… surely… he was here…

* * *

_**And slowly I fell in love with him...**_

* * *

He had been gone for a long time. Right now, his interest was on the New World. His interest was on gold, glory and spreading Catholicism. And when he left her, she grew. When he arrived after several long years, she was dressed in a beautiful gown that was worn by the ladies, not by little girls. In her mind, she told herself that she just liked to have pretty things (What woman doesn't?). But in her heart, she just wanted to be attractive in his eyes. She wanted him to think that she was elegant and beautiful, not just cute.

"Lovi? Lovi? Is that you?" a surprised yet joyful voice asked. She turned and saw him wearing his new formal outfit. He looked… He looked… so handsome. She found herself blushing at the thought and reprimanded herself for thinking that he was good-looking.

"You've grown!" he said in a voice full of pleasant astonishment.

"Well, I have to be when you're not here to order me around everywhere!" she said.

"Aw, Lovi… don't be like that… I brought you a present," he said. Then he showed her a box and when she opened it, she saw beautiful gold jewelry.

"Do you know that the New World has a lot of gold and strange plants?" he asked as she picked up a golden chain with a large emerald pendant. She was amazed by the shine of the large emerald.

"It's pretty isn't it? Turn around, I'll put it on!"

He took the necklace from her hand as she turned her back to him. He clasped the necklace behind her neck and kissed her hair.

"You became so beautiful, Lovi. I'm so proud of you."

Her silly heart fluttered and her cheeks and ears grew warm. Her mind went back to the lovely jewelry and thought, almost selfishly, 'These are all mine. It was given only to me and not to be shared to my sister…'. It was her first ever gift.

* * *

_**I tried to deny it...**_

* * *

She stared at the mirror and saw her eyes twinkling. Shit… TWINKLING? And her cheeks were pink. She couldn't sleep. She couldn't eat properly. Ever since Antonio arrived from the New World, she had these strange emotions. She went red when Antonio so as much as talked to her. If it was any consolation, that bastard never noticed it. (Thank God)

* * *

**_I wanted to deny it! I wanted to order my heart to stop loving him_**

* * *

The second time Spain arrived from the New World is, he brought a strange plant that bore a red fruit. Antonio had since then compared her face to that fruit that he called a tomato. Even if she hated that nickname, she couldn't help but love the fruit. It was juicy and tangy and with salt, it was just perfect. It was quite sour when she made it into a sauce but she reveled in the taste of it. And soon, the fruit had invaded her cuisine. It also became a personal favorite of Antonio.

* * *

_**But after decades and decades of denial... **_

* * *

Years had passed and ideas changed. Soon, she became independent together with her sister. They also lived in the same house again. They experienced many trials. Wars, presidents… more gruesome, terrifying wars… Industrialization… Mafia… new Popes and finally peace. And she still stands. True, many things changed about her but she is still the same. She still has her dirty mouth, amazing temper and hatred for anything German (or Prussian or French). She is still irritated (and agitated) every time Spain smiles at her and she grows flustered when they had any physical contact. When Antonio praises her, whether her new dress or cute hairpin, her heart pounds so loudly that she is actually frightened that everyone will hear it.

And then one day, after a world meeting in England, her stupid sister had left with her friends. She was left collecting all the necessary paperwork. She was so pissed off that she was slowly mumbling curses to her sister and everyone let her pass in fear that they would be the receiving end of her volcanic temper. To add to her displeasure and irritation, it had started raining when she left the building and she hadn't brought her umbrella. Stupid place, always dreary and raining! She wanted to scream in frustration because her new tailored suit was wet as was her black pumps! Suddenly the rain was no longer pouring on her and the sky had darkened. She looked up and saw Spain with that brainless smile of his. He had taken his suit off and was holding it above her head so she wouldn't get wet.

"What are you doing, you idiot!" she shouted.

"I'm protecting Lovi, of course!" he said.

That night, she dreamed of him. It was a strange dream, filled only with pictures of Antonio. She saw his laughing face, his miserable face and his loving one. When she woke up, tears were running down her cheeks as her heart pounded loudly. And she knew that she could no longer oppose her heart. She really was in love with that bastard.

* * *

_**I guess it all comes to this...**_

* * *

Do you know the problem when you finally admit to yourself that you love a person after decades of telling yourself that you don't even like that person?

It is your heart's desire to at least say "I love you" to that person. Because when you fall in love, there is always a tiny flicker of fire. It is a fire which we call hope. We hope that somehow, the person we love will also love us. Because our instinct tells us that it will bring us the greatest happiness in the world. And so, Lovina 'Romana' Vargas began to plan. Not that she is a mushy, star-eyed teenager of course, but as an Italian, it must be at the very least… memorable.

She learned (through her Mafia connections) that one of Antonio's favorite Opera would be performed in Teatro San Carlo in Naples. So she reserved some tickets for the best box. She also made a reservation in her favorite restaurant. It sounds almost cliché. A Theater performance, then dinner, then the confession… She was nervous but giddy at the same time…and quite happy as she made all the preparations…

* * *

**_I want to tell him..._**

* * *

She finally delivered the ticket and invitation (or rather order) to the opera performance on Naples. She flew back to Rome and did some shopping for the grand night. She brought herself a lovely red sheath evening dress (Antonio's favorite color and shade), black pumps and black cape coat. Still, the unsettling feeling that something would go wrong hadn't left her. So a week before the scheduled date, she called Antonio.

"Bueno?"

"Bastard."

"LOVI~~~ Ah… Lovi called. Are you lost again? Are you getting chased by bad people again? Did you trip? Are your knees blee-"

"Shut up, bastard… That never happened before! And that's not the reason why I'm calling."

"Eh? Lovi doesn't have any problems? Then why is Lovi calling Boss?"

"A-About the invitation…"

"That's two weeks from now right?"

"ONE WEEK. On Friday night… you idiot! Remember the date!" She blushed at the word date… Fortunately, Antonio couldn't see it.

"Si… Si… I'll come, of course… I wouldn't miss it for the world. Te veré el viernes."

* * *

_**Because maybe... maybe he also feels the same thing**_

_**(Fool... Fool...Fool!) **_

* * *

She waits in front of the entrance of the Teatro San Carlo. She applied her make-up carefully (she has many years of experience on applying make-up). Her red dress clings to her body like a second skin, giving emphasis on her luscious curves. Her black high-heeled pumps makes her legs appear longer. Her hair falls to her waist in elegant waves. The only jewelry she wears were her golden hoop earrings that give emphasis on her neck that the dress exposed. She is subtle yet sexy at the same time.

She looks at her ticket and almost smiles.

Carmen…

She had always admired the character of Carmen. She is independent and in control of everything around her. She is the mistress of her own destiny, Carmen, who was capable of charming and bending the wills of men around her. She somewhat wanted to be like her.

Many minutes pass and still, Antonio doesn't appear. She is getting worried and tense. That bastard said he would come right? Spain never broke a promise to her. She takes her cell phone from her black bag and dials that tomato bastard's number (which she really knows by heart).

The phone rings a couple of times before it picks up.

"Where the hell are you, bastard? Why aren't you here?"

"Eh? But I'm already here. It's so fun, Lovi. Why aren't you here, Lovi?"

"Where exactly are you…"

"I'm with Feli, of course!"

The phone lowers and Antonio's words seem to be nothing but a buzz of bees.

* * *

_**I can only remember a few times when he hurt me**_

* * *

In a movie, there will be rain falling to match the feelings of the heroine. But even if she has an almost impossible existence, this is still the real world, not a movie. The night sky is clear and it is still warm. There are no indications that it will rain soon. In a movie, the heroine will cry as she falls to her knees as people walked, ignoring her. But she is not a heroine. She finds herself walking to the Teatro. She sits on the prime box as the melody and voice of the actors and actress drone on. She is too numb to cry. Or maybe it is shock that is keeping her eyes dry. She laughs alone in the box when the audience laughs. It might look like she is enjoying herself as she watches the opera but the truth is she felt like she was dying. All of her hopes had been crushed.

_I wish I was Carmen so that I can turn my love to someone as easily as blinking an eye…_

* * *

_**I can only remember a few times when he hurt me**_

* * *

She went to the quiet family restaurant alone. She ordered an antipasto which composed mostly of mushrooms, one of her favorite pasta dish Spaghetti alla puttanesca as primo, a simple Caesar salad as secondo, and a Tiramisu cake as desert together with an espresso. Finally, she drank a half-glass of red wine. The food would have been delicious but for the first time, she was not able to appreciate the taste of pasta and tomatoes. When she was about to pay, she found the young waiter putting a serving of Strawberry Gelato on her table.

"I didn't order this…" she said with a raised eyebrow.

"Si, signorina. But you look like you needed something sweet… you had the face of a person suffering from heartbreak…"

Her eyes widen in surprise and with a surprised, frozen expression… The tears finally fell.

* * *

_**How many times had he hurt me?**_

* * *

When the tears fell, she found out that she could no longer hold it. She cried pitifully and was quite glad that not many people were there and all the customers were locals that knew the family restaurant since the day they were born. So the maternal wife of the owner had taken her to their house and hugged her. She found herself enveloped in soft arms and her face pressed again the woman's large bosom.

"Shush… Shush… Bambina… its fine…" the woman whispered as she clings to her.

Why did they call it heartbreak? It's not only her heart that is breaking! It's like his very soul torn apart! She wanted to swear. She wanted to shout. She wanted to curse him to the very depths of hell. She wanted to tear his chest apart and stab his heart because that was what she was feeling now. But all she can do was wail like a child.

"Perché? Perché?" Lovina asked/screamed. Why is he? Why is he?

But her heart knew the answers. Why did Antonio pick to go with Feli… she knew from the start…

He is kind to you.

He protects you.

He cares for you.

He comforts you.

These are not indication that he is _in _love with you. Maybe he really loves her. He loves her, si, but not in the way that she is _in _love with him. There are after all many different forms of love in this world. What does she have that makes anyone pick her over her sister?

And some well-kept, bitter memories came back to her.

* * *

_**Once**_

* * *

She knows the fact that Spain had tried to exchange her for her sister because it was used against her by that Holy Roman Brat when she verbally attacked him one day. But seeing her shocked, tearful face, the brat immediately apologized but she punched him anyway. Yet it doesn't keep her from loving him. Because many years had passed since then… maybe he changed his mind? Maybe he can see something now that will make him love Lovina. His actions this night had given her enough answers.

* * *

_**Twice**_

* * *

She thought that those jewels were special. She thought that it was only for her. Then one day, when Feliciana visited her, she was wearing the exact duplicate of the earrings that Lovina was wearing. Feliciana said that it was given to her by Brother Spain…

_So it's not really that special after all…_

* * *

_**Everytime?**_

* * *

"You look so CUUUTE! FELI!" Antonio exclaimed as he embraced her sister tightly.

"Ve…" Feli giggled as Spain cooed at her.

If he hugs your sister like that… what's the difference of his hug to you?

When she was a kid…

"Feli is so cute! It would be nice if she can live with us."

At the present day

"Did you saw Feli's new painting, Lovi? It is so amazing! I wish I can draw like that!"

Did he ever compliment her apart from his outburst of "Lovi looks like a tomato!"? Which she does not even consider as a compliment! But with each praise, each hug to Feli, he had unknowingly hurt her.

* * *

_**Sometimes?**_

* * *

"I'm with Feli, of course…" It seems that these words would forever haunt her. Ever since they were little, it was always Feli. They always found her lacking. Whether in arts, in trade, she was always second-best to her sister. Even today she is still worthless. Lovina wanted to be someone who Antonio can love. She wanted to be good in his eyes. She wanted to be sweet and caring and…

But words and actions of affections can't escape from her easily. Maybe there is always fear in her heart that even if she utters loving words and offers soft touches, it will not be returned to her or worse: get ignored.

His kindness and laughter has somewhat became the balm on her sad heart. Isn't it an irony that the person who was able to make her so happy is also the person who makes her want to die?

* * *

_**How often is sometimes?**_

* * *

Is it wrong for her to hope that she will be loved?

There's nothing wrong with that…

Except that she is really not worthy to be loved…

What can she give?

What can she offer?

She can't change herself.

She tried…

She tried to become like her sister but she can't.

She can't be sweet, caring and loving.

Even if she wants to be like that, when people are so used to her sour and vicious attitude, she found it hard to replace their opinions. And soon, she just settles and accepts herself…

* * *

_**How often can a heart die?**_

* * *

"_Hey, do you know that I love you? I've loved you for the longest fucking time but I tried to deny it. Then one day, when you used your fucking suit as an umbrella, I couldn't hold it in anymore. I want to tell you that I love you. You better be grateful because I love you! I mean… I mean… Just be grateful and let's start dating!"_

She can no longer say those words.

* * *

_**How often is sometimes?**_

* * *

The night is still clear. The world goes on like it doesn't care anything about her. Well, who does? But the little thread that she had been holding to had finally snapped. She felt the soothing caress of the old woman. She felt her heart fall to the ground. She saw the warm hazel eyes of the old woman. She saw her tomorrow as something dark and lonely.

And the world goes on…

While Lovina pities and curses herself, the world continues to move. It will not stop even if one person suddenly loses all hope.

* * *

**Comments are appreciated!**


End file.
